In my “previous” life, I was surrounded by my beloved circle of friends and family. We share the same voice, same background, same culture. I joined in a non-profit group since I was 15, which founded by my parents. I had a large family other than my own parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I belonged to something bigger than me and at that young age, it’s a pretty big deal. And although there were still moments that I was less confident, I was pretty comfortable in my own skin.
Me and my charity group - 2005 - I just finished high school
Me and the group - 2012 - I just graduated from dental school
Until I got here…
When I first visited the U.S, everything was so new and fabulous. My family lived in a very cozy rental house in a peaceful but depressing small town. Don’t get me wrong, I still love that place since it always recalls good memories of my first time in America. What I mean is I was obsessed with the whole “American” thing. I thought everything American was great. They have beautiful cities, they go hiking and swimming and exercising on a daily basis which I never did, they have big markets with unbelievable variety of stuff from sandwich to apple (we have only 1 kind of sandwich and like 3 kinds of apple in Vietnam). Unfortunately, the more I admired America, the more inferior I felt to other people around me. “I come from a third-world country. Well I am a dentist in Vietnam but who cares. I don’t even nail a good job there because of the grand studying plan. And I don’t even know if it works at the end or not. Hmm maybe I just waste my time and my mom’s money on this. Hmm maybe I just marry someone here to settle down and go back to school to study whatever. Hmm my boyfriend is wise, and I feel so stupid around him since I don’t know anything. Well, my accent is funny, and I can’t even conduct a conversation with the waitress at restaurants.” Those thinking just kept replaying itself in my poor little head every single day. I allowed them. I nurtured them.
Somehow, I got through the NBDE exam and applied for the advance standing programs. Then the day I dreamt for came. I got the interview invitation from my dream school. I had a month to prepare and I knew I would do anything to give it the best shot. My ex broke up with me about 3,4 days after that. He told me we were not on the same page, that I was not like when I was in Vietnam, I was so confident back then, etc. I tried to defend myself but deep inside I knew he was right that I was not good enough. I told him that things would be better when I got in the school and became a dentist but how I could make him believe in it when I did not believe in it myself. Who am I to really get a spot at the school?
If you are choosing this path, you know what I am talking about. We let ourselves live with all the insecurities and believe in everything our-pity-selves want us to believe in. Lucky me, I did not suffer for too long because all my head was on the game. That was all I wanted – a chance to make my dream come true. I was lucky enough to be able to practice at home because my mom purchased a mobile motor earlier. My friend sent me some teeth and burs so I could practice. The rental house was so small I couldn’t sit inside to practice because the dust would end up in everybody’s lungs. I determined to practice outside on the front yard 3-4hrs per day in a big coat at 50 degree since I told myself if I could do a good prep with cold shaking hands, I could do a good prep under pressure. I turned to google and youtube to prepare for the interview. There I found lists of all common questions one may be asked like “describing yourself” or “tell us about your strength”. I spent days to dig deeper inside myself and finally I went from “I don’t have any strength” to “oh these are my strengths”. The more time I spent on reflecting myself, the more I believe in me. Laying on the bottom of my heart was the defiant voice telling me that I was good just like many others, that I should be proud of my background instead of feeling insecure about it, that my accent was funny because I spoke two languages, not just one. I now knew who I was, what I always wanted, what my strengths and weaknesses were, why I deserved a chance, what my plans were for the future, etc. I knew ME!
Sorry for the blurry picture. Just want to share a picture taken by my mom when I was sitting in front of her place's shed to practice prepping teeth. The motor was unseen in the picture but you can see the handpiece on the bottom right.
I just landed in Denver for the interview. Checking the location of the dental building so I wouldn't be lost on the big day.
Then like a miracle, I got in the program…
I encountered people from around the world with different languages, different cultures, different belief. I wanted so bad to fit in, and I caught myself being insecure again. I talked too much, I did things wrong, I failed some of my friends. It made perfect sense to me at that time, but after a while when I thought about it (and tried to defend myself again), I knew it was my-pity-self taking over. I realized how wrong I was, why I did what I did or said what I said, and what my real problem was. It was hard. I hated myself for a while but I knew it would not do me any good so I tried to forgive and love myself again. Until now, I am still struggling in a circle of feeling good about myself, then feeling insecure, having a storm of emotion, reflecting why I feel that way, trying to work on it and loving myself again.
What I mean from this was,
1) everyone feels insecure at some point and it is fine
2) do not look down on ourselves or take our stories for granted - all the goods, the bads are meant to make us a better person if we listen and learn from those.
3) self-reflection should be a must
4) if we can’t be honest with ourselves, I don’t know what else we can do
5) every time we have some negative emotion - jealous, sad, unconfident, angry, victimized ourselves, etc - it is 99% that we are insecure about something
6) when insecurity kicks in, don’t dwell on it but work on it. It is our brain telling us it’s time to work on ourselves again.
7) Also when it kicks in, it’s hard to be confident or to love ourselves but it’s our job to constantly remind us why we are awesome and why we are worth all the love in this world.
Look I am not trying to act smart or to tell you how to be a good person. I am struggling too. Just like yesterday I suddenly had a storm again and today I have been working on it. I want to share as a reminder to myself that emotional complexity is only human nature, but if this can help someone else out there, it is awesome too.